Hey Jakey,

You had a bad day today. Bad for me anyway. You're actually probably as happy as a pig in shit. You just screamed all day, in between every hour-on the hour nursing. At least you were good for your daddy when he came home.

Ever since your birth, my mind has been wandering alot towards the Arizona days. My mind actually goes there quite a bit. I'll probably always think of those as the happiest days of my (pre-Jake) life. All it takes is a piece of a song, or a particularly hot day, or the smell of a hot dusty road, and I'm back in the Southwest, driving around with no destination and no future. That whole trip was the epitome of what it was like to be young and carefree. Even though I thought I was so terribly grown-up at the time. Boy, I had no idea. *This* is what its like to be terribly grown-up: I have a husband and a son and a job that holds no particular joy for me. Hmmm... I guess I tend to get morose when I think about the Arizona days.

Your grandma goes home in two days, and we'll be able to fall back into our own natural rhythm. I might even lay in bed all day and watch tv and nurse you when you get fussy. How does that sound? I think it sounds *great*.

I watched "She's Having a Baby" today. I've probably seen that movie a million times, and its made me cry a million times, right at that part where she's actually having the baby. Having given birth to you, the circumstances of Elizabeth McGovern's difficult birth are actually a bunch of hooey, but it still made me cry all the same. It's probably the Kate Bush song that plays behind the birth montage:

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This Woman's Work (Kate Bush)

Pray God you can cope.
I stand outside this woman's work,
This woman's world.
Ooh, it's hard on the man,
Now his part is over.
Now starts the craft of the father.

I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking

Of all the things I should've said,
That I never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things I should've given,
But I didn't.

Oh, darling, make it go,
Make it go away.

Give me these moments back.
Give them back to me.
Give me that little kiss.
Give me your hand.

(I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.)

I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking

Of all the things we should've said,
That were never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things that you needed from me.
All the things that you wanted for me.
All the things that I should've given,
But I didn't.

Oh, darling, make it go away.
Just make it go away now.

**********************

Oh Jakey, I'm not as depressed as this post sounds. I love you.