Hey Jakey,

OMG, I have this panicky feeling deep down in my stomach. A gnawing anxiety. I've already started the countdown to when I have to return to work...

Before you were born, the thought of three months off sounded like a wealth of time. Time enough to get you started correctly down your path, and quite selfishly, I thought: time enough to get in some ME time. I imagined you, my sleepy little cooing angel, happily amusing yourself as I wore you in your baby sling, while I baked bread, got started on my garden, revamped my website, straightened the garage, made elaborate dinners for your daddy and me. We'd spend every morning with other mothers in the park, I'd go to La Leche League meetings, Weight Watcher meetings, and I'd still find time to play endless hours of The Sims.

From "The Breast Feeding Book," by William and Martha Sears:

"...you're probably thinking of all sorts of extra tasks you can accomplish while taking a few weeks or a few months away from your job. After all, with no work commitment, what will you do all day? ...Here's a reality check, you're not going to get any of those things done... Expect to spend your time nursing your baby, holding your baby, enjoying your baby. This season of your life will never come again; treasure it while it's here."

And how. I can spend an entire morning gazing at your sleeping face. Or an entire afternoon trying to get you to stop screaming. Even taking time to write these letters to you seems to rob me of precious moments better spent cuddling you. Although, 95 percent of the time you're nestled under my arm and I'm typing with one hand.

So you'll understand now why my boss at work is making me so upset right now. She left a message on the machine last week while we were gone, trying to get me to come back to work a month early. There was even an underlying threat to shove me off into another, lesser position if I don't come back early. I called her back today, and she said she was trying to find someone to cover me for the rest of April, but she'd keep me posted, and we can discuss my options. My options, ferchrissakes!

I hate my job, I hate my job, I hate my job. Well no, that's not exactly right. The job's way cool. It's just that I'm surrounded by idiots. You'll find in life, Jakey, that "hell is other people." I don't know who originally said that, probably some poor, jaded schlub who couldn't get laid, but sometimes it's ooooh-so-true. Especially when you're talking about the workaday world. Have I mentioned that I haven't had a vacation in over three years?

So, sooner or later, hopefully later, I will have to return to work. I don't know if I will be able to stand it. Mothers do it every day, I know, but I've never done it, and I'm terrified.

Okay, stop thinking about it. Live in the here and now, cuz the "here and now" is pretty fucking awesome.