Hey Jakey,

You were so good today!

I took you to the park and met up with Heidi and her 4.5-month-old Dakota, and Becca and her 18-month-old Kai. You kept the fussing to a minimum and actually acted sorta happy. I was amazed when I changed your diaper there on the picnic table, and you didn't even scream, like you usually do at home. I think you even smiled... I totally felt like I was bringing you in for show-and-tell. And that I'd wind up showing and telling how bad I am at mothering you. But that wasn't the case!

I just don't know what to think of other people's children. I've never really *ever* thought about other people's children. I just know that I didn't particularly like kids. Never knew what to say to them, how to act around them. They just made me very uncomfortable. They still do.

You're different, though. It's not like you're a kid or anything. You're just an extension of me. Travis told me that he's the same way. He still hates other people's children, but he loves and enjoys the heck out of his own. I've seen him with his kids. He's really good with them, and they adore him. Men that are good with kids are hella sexy. That may sound like I'm saying that Trav is hella sexy... well, whatever... just don't tell your daddy.

So anyway, these other kids that we were with today... I can totally see their mothers in their temperaments. Becca's boy is soft-spoken, playful, kinda spacey, quite reflective of Becca's personality. She's an earth-mothery, ganja-smokin', reggae-listenin' free spirit. I like her alot. Heidi's boy is fussy and needy, while Heidi herself is contradictive, hard to get along with, and generally a pain in the ass. And her husband? Ack. Did I tell you that he kept trying to tongue-kiss me at me and Heidi's joint baby shower? Not to say that her baby's a pain in the ass, I don't know him well enough to say something like that.

I wonder what people will see in you, Jake. I'm not sure how other people perceive me. I'm pretty sure I'm likeable. I have a few good friends that would attest to that. I hope that people think you're a good egg. I've only had 7 weeks with you, but I like ya lots.

I'm going to tell you something about Heidi, and you can't tell anyone else. Oh, she's always made me so angry about so many different things. If I didn't have to work with her every day, I would not choose to have her around me. It was very hard being pregnant while she was pregnant, too. She had something to say about every little thing I did, from what I ate for lunch every day, to her thoughts on how I was going to kill you by having an amnio. Urgh.

Anyway, Lil Miss Can't Be Wrong's milk dried up because she didn't nurse over the course of an entire week. Why didn't she nurse? Because she and her husband went back to doing the damn nose drugs that she was famous for before she got pregnant. I'm thankful that she had the presence of mind not to nurse while she was "partying", but look who's paying for it. Why does it make me so mad? Because I'm trying sooooo hard to make this nursing thing work out for me and you. I get so disappointed when it feels like I'm not doing something right, or when I think, wrongfully or not, that I'm failing at it, then *she's* stoopid enough to piss it all away, just so she could get high for a while. Angry, angry, angry. And to think she was the one berating me way-back-when, when I was wondering if I even wanted to breastfeed once you were born.

Well, that's my rant for today. Thank you for listening to me, Jakey, and thank you for being the good little man that you were today. Well, today and every day!