Hey Jakey,

I've been thinking about this lately. You're one quarter Filipino. One quarter Pinoy, that is. But living here, you will grow up so incredibly far removed from any Asian-ness that you may forget that part of you, and I don't want that to happen.

It would've been difficult for me to ever forget, as I look somewhat Filipino. But you, sweetie, are looking more and more like a white boy, the older you get. A white boy with a flat little Filipino nose. But, looking as you do, you will probably be spared the "Ching chong! Ching chong! I'm talking Chinese! What am I saying? Ching chong!" that I endlessly endured on the playgrounds of my youth. There's that, at least.

If I grew up far removed from Filipino culture, you will have it ten times worse. There are no Filipinos in Nevada. Scratch that, there are maybe two others, and I've met them both.

Well, I'm certainly not the pre-eminent source for Asian protocol, but here are just a few rules that you can adhere to, to set a good example for little white boys everywhere:

* People are Asian, rugs are Oriental. (This is a biggie, Jake. Write this one down.)
* When you meet an Asian person, in all honesty, he or she probably does *not* know that *other* Asian person that you met a year ago across town.
* Asian chicks, while very hot, are not necessarily demure and subservient, with daydreams of being your geisha girl.
* Eating with chopstix is cool. Sticking chopstix into your food is not.
* It is, of course, a given that you are smarter than pure-bred white children. It is way uncool to point this out to them more often than is absolutely necessary.

Here's a song for you, baby. Thank your Auntie C for finding it and burning a CD. Clicking on the title takes you to a crappy Flash animation, but you can listen to the song. Recognize!

AZN Pride: Got Rice?

It's the AZN, nigga, fuck the rest
Dial less to New York, jigga, we the best
Vietnam to Japan to Mongolia
Philippines to Taiwan to Cambodia
Korea, ah ah
Hometown China, who you got, huh
You got shit, nigga, feel the size
It's the AZN, better recognize

Got rice bitch, got rice
Got food, got soup, got spice
Got brainz like us, got skillz like us
Got carz, got clothz, got girlz like us
What's sup, we the shit and we kill ya'll foolz
We got money in the banks from our family jewelz
Can we help it if we raid and corrupt the schoolz
It don't matta, fuck the law shit, we break the rules
We jack carz, fuck gangz yo, we got the toolz
Hoop it up, break it down then we go shoot some pool
Fuck with me you fuck with all of us don't think its kool
One on one, fuck that, it's three on one, no duels

Got rice bitch, got rice
Anything you can show that is nice
Got cats, got booze, got dogs like us
Fuck no, hell no, you're white, you'll never be like us
Take off your shoes when you enter please
Or crawl around on the floor on with your fuckin' knees
Don't mind that smell you'll get used to it
Mothballs, fried squid and that Buddha shit
What the hell is that, you think I don't see
No forks in the house, chopsticks only
Have a taste, don't be scared, try the lemon tea
You don't want, thats alright, try to fuck hong lee

Got rice bitch, got rice
Got luck anytime you roll the dice
Your luck is bad unless you run and hide
Cause we're thugz for life, baby...
Asian Pride.

Keep it real, dawg. Peace out... and love you!