The hidden message is... you're a SNOT!

Hey Jakey,

This week I started getting email updates from your teacher. Kinda scary. On one hand, I certainly want to know what you're up to, but on the other hand, I just want to be blissfully unaware, imagining you as a perfect, well-behaved angel when you're not in my sight.

Her emails are short and perky; I imagine she has lots of emails to write and doesn't get bogged down in too many details with any one student. There's just not enough time. So it's up to me to read between the lines and figure out what she's really trying to say to me. Like the following...

Hi, I just wanted to drop you a note about how great Jakob is doing! He counts, participates, and really seems to enjoy school. Boy what a firecracker you have!!! He is so fast!

Hmmmm. Firecracker. Fast. Sounds like code for "Fidgety, bordering on violent. We have to keep an eye on him at all times. You'd do well to start him on anti-psychotics early."

He's pushed a couple of kids when he gets frustrated-so we're working on that.

"Working on that" = a quick blow to the back of the head with a blunt object, beneath the hairline so you can't see the bruise

Also, he LOVES the bathroom-so we're working on keeping it appropriate in the bathroom.

Oh God, Jakey. You pulled down your pants and pooped on the floor, didn't you?

I think speech will be a good thing for him. I think that's what's slowing down his language.

Yeah, this confused me, too. She wrote back later and clarified. She's actually signing you up for articulation therapy. "Speech" apparently does not equal "language."

Let me know if you have any questions or concerns. Have a nice Tuesday,
--S

Meaning, "If you don't write me back with questions or concerns, you are a terrible, unfeeling, uninvolved mother. Have a nice Tuesday, BITCH."

Oh, sweetheart.

On a side note: Waverly, today is the day that you discovered your thumb. It took you forever to get it situated in your mouth just right. Today's the first time you got just your thumb in there, not your whole fist. You were sucking away, happy as a pig in shit, when your brother casually walked by, pulled your thumb out of your mouth with an audible pop, and walked away. You tried and tried to get it back in there, but you eventually gave up. Poor thing. I'm sure you'll exact your revenge someday by embarrassing him in front of your hot girlfriends.

Love you both, nighty-night.