A work-from-home day occasionally means a lapful of baby.
Hey Wavy,
Went to the doctor yesterday, and after some bloodwork, some online questionnaires and a good ol' heart-to-heart with the doctor, it seems that I am Bipolar II. Whatever that means. Depressed, anxious, sometimes both at the same time, but without the full-blown manic and depressive states associated with Bipolar I.
The doctor said that I would probably do really well with medicine, but that I would have to quit nursing. I told her that I wasn't ready to do that, and if being medicine-free until you and I were done nursing isn't going to kill me, then I will choose to wait. I would LOVE to not feel the way I do most of the time, but I'm also thinking of how depressed I would be if I have to f*ck up this chance to nurse you for as long as we had wanted to, when it has gone so well.
I talked it over with your daddy when I got home, and was surprised by what he had to say. I was ready to have to defend my decision to not take meds, but he was right there with me, and his support meant a lot.
Which may be a moot point anyway. The bloodwork also revealed that my thyroid levels are completely WHACK, which did not surprise me at all. Since diagnosis of hyperthyroid a couple days before I found out I was pregnant with your brother a little more than four years ago, it has gone completely untreated. I now have been referred to an endocrinologist, and will have to wait to see what he has to say about meds and their use while nursing.
I initially went in to see the doctor because I was concerned that my sugar levels were hinky, only to find that my sugar is fine, but a myriad of other things need to be addressed.
And also because of my rampant panic attacks. Ohmigod. They've been pretty bad lately, and we're assuming it's largely because of the thyroid issues. Again, I'll have to wait to see what the endocrinology guy says.
In other news, we went to the Reno Rib Cook-Off tonight:
Jake celebrates finding a nut-free dessert.
Jake reacts to the evening's entertainment -- Don Felder, the least known of all The Eagles.
Sigh... I wonder if someone telling you that you are depressed makes you more depressed. Was I happier not knowing? Bah.
Love you.
3 comments:
Oh dearie K dear, I'm sorry to read this letter, but I love you for sharing... You're honest and funny too (my lil' Erma Bombeck of the Blogosphere)
Agreed: Panic attacks are the worst-- Your own little private hell trips... But, they _can't_ kill you--I'd go for the meds later, after 50FtWave decides to enjoy less dairy...
Bipolar II?
Is this a film with Bruce Willis, produced by Jerry Bruckheimer? Will you soon repel from a Cobra, brandishing an AK-47, dressed in snowblind camo and firing a perfect ring into the glacier on your way down, only landing to set sail on the ice-raft along the Bering Straight to sort out psychotic Russian whaling ships, while on the search for affordable kid's clothes that won't fall apart after only 2 military coups and a few skirmishes... Working Title- Bipolar II: Maternal Instinct
But really...
After your visit, where we spoke about our mutual feelings of 'depression' (ageing) or 'anxiety' (phone calls), I felt like whatever level we were at- at least we were both out in public at an event we found mutually interesting (positive social connectivity) and not at home, moldering in our BedBathBeyond spa robes, refusing to open the curtains to the sunlight and only eating/drinking what we could open with a can opener (ambiguous xenophobia and mild Luddite sympathies).
I mean, when you break it down like that: I think we're both doing alright. Pencil me in as a BP II-- (I've never wanted to be #1 anyway)
xoxo- yer pal in Paradise
Funny: I had my big girl on my lap while I was reading this. "That's a cute baby," she said. It kept her distracted enough that she didn't notice that I was crying. I am so sorry. I don't know what to say; I keep wanting to say I understand, but do I really?
Is this definitely Bipolar and not PPD? Not that you have to answer that, of course, but I know that I had anxiety attacks and my doctor just considered it part of my own special brand of PPD. And I remember asking my doctor if I had/was bipolar based on some of my symptoms. Enough about me...that's why I have my own blog, right?
My heart goes out to you. Anxiety and depression are brutal, and especially so when you have littles to take care of. I wish I could say or do something to help...if you want a Canadian treat bag in the mail, let me know!! I'd be glad to assemble something full of northern cheeriness (whatever that would mean). Take care of yourself.
K it is a tough one to swallow being told you have a "mental illness". Just the words sent me into a deeper depression than I already was.
Yep. I have depression and anxiety. I had PPD too. (fun fun fun). I keep thinking that I will be able to get of medication but I am pretty sure this will be a lifetime thing now.
I am with you on the nursing. I got depressed after I stopped nursing. I think there must me some hormonal high that comes with it. At any rate, keep it up as long as you want too. I nursed N. until she was 2 1/2 and had PPD and anxiety. I went on medication after she stopped.
Kelly, I promised you a baby gift a LONG time ago that is STILL in my closet and Wavy has outgrown. I still want to send something to you and her so can you e mail me your address please. I live in a pigsty and can't find the return address from the gift you sent me.
Hang in there girlfriend. You will be ok.
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