Hey Jakey,

Almost done. This should be the last night/early morning session, and then I can be a proper mom to you again. Lots to do, and again I seem to just NOT be doing it.

Just had a mini-panic attack. No, that's not hyperbole. When I have a panic attack, it's not me sitting around, saying, "Oh no! What have I done?" My panic attacks are all-out physical responses to ... who knows.

I've been having them for about three years now. A workup and tests at my doctor's reveal that I've got a hormonal imbalance due to something going on with my thyroid. So there are times when I get these super-bursts of hormone that cause "panic attacks." I hate the phrase "panic attack" because it makes it sound so... emotionally driven. Something I can overcome if I just take a deep breath and relax.

No, my panic attacks consist of:

* Chest pain
* Dizziness
* Shortness of breath
* Nausea
* Intense fear that I am having a heart attack

All the books, even my doctors, tell me, "You're not going to die. It may feel like you are, but you are not going to just DIE from a panic attack." Although I have had dozens of these attacks, each and every one of them makes me feel like I just may keel over. There is no voice in the back of my mind telling me that everything will be all right.

I've made your daddy take me to the emergency room several times now. Most often though, I make him drive me to the emergency room parking lot. A normal attack lasts about 20-25 minutes. There's 5 minutes of me at home thinking I'm dying. Then the 5-minute drive to the hospital, and about 10 minutes of me hyperventilating in the parking lot. Then it passes, and then we drive home. Typical scenario. Sometimes daddy gets mad at me, sometimes he doesn't.

Usually though, I just pace like a madwoman. I run out the front door and down the driveway, then back into the house, do a quick circuit down the hallway, spin around and run out to the driveway again. Repeat until normalcy returns.

The doctor keeps me in Xanax, which is toasty nice, and a shame to waste on panic attacks. I also have a stash of Mexican valium. I try to avoid taking either of them, though. Sometimes all it takes is holding a Xanax between my thumb and forefinger for a few minutes to make me feel better. When the attack is over, I put it back in the bottle. I've found that taking a Xanax does nothing to shorten or lessen the intensity of an attack. So why waste it? Better to take it when I'm out carousing with my friends.

I'm supposed to be on Paxil right now. I took it for a couple of years and the attacks abated a bit. I weaned myself off of it over the summer, though. I'd been attack-free for quite a while, and I just thought it was time. The first month or so was pretty hard. Bad, bad, bad thoughts (yeah, *those* kinda thoughts) and pretty damned depressed. And it wasn't even depression that I was taking it for in the first place! But then I kind of evened out and felt much better. I packed on a few pounds, though (another side effect, thanks...), and slowly, slowly, the attacks are creeping back. I might have to bite the bullet and go visit Dr. S again and see about getting back on the damned stuff.

My attacks were REALLY whacked out when I was pregnant with you, sweetie. And they wouldn't let me take Xanax or valium. I was having all-out attacks on a nightly basis, and when I wasn't having an attack, I felt like I was on the verge of one, which is almost as bad. They supplemented the Paxil with something called Buspirone, and that was the SHIT! Loved that stuff. Not because it made me feel high, but just because it made me feel normal. Tired, but normal.

Anyway, I feel much better now. I seem to recover from them a lot faster than I used to. An attack used to wipe me out all the next day. But I bounce back pretty quick now.

Okay, just found out tonight: "David Lowery" and "Camper Van Beethoven" (technorati THAT, David!) will be playing at the Hacienda in Reno on Friday night. And the only reason I found THAT out, was because I was on the Cracker page seeing if Austin City Limits Festival next year coincides with any planned Cracker/Cracker "campout."

Okay, back to work. Love you, and can't wait for tomorrow night, when I'm done with this for another three months!